Decon Smith feedback thread.

[blade]

Hi guys was wondering if you could give me some feed back on Decon Smith's very first Role play ever, I noticed a few errors with the grammar i really do need to proof read and spell check before posting but if there is anything else you think i should need to improve on then please do say so good or bad feed back is welcomed preferably bad as that would help to improve my role playing.

pureseattle.proboards.com/thread/61/out-desert



Many thanks Blade

["The Killerplauze" Stefan Raab]

Reading out loud helps as well with the grammar and spelling issues which has helped me out a lot this year. Give it a shot next time Yarmouth when you do your RP's as well as proof read your stuff.

I can say that you've improved quite a bit since your APW stuff and continuing sort of a story you've done with Yarmouth but with a different reason with a different character but yeah even I still to this day have problems with grammar myself like you do.

Yeah other than those issues, you got an awesome RP in the bag.

[Deleted]

you acknowledged the rp was terribly written, and as a result, i skimmed and found the whole thing a waste of not just my time but yours too, so let's move on.

years ago i once wrote similar to you: careless, unimaginative and bad. we all start off like this, but some people don't know how to break the habit. i'm going to try to help you, so long as i see you take my criticisms, no matter how harsh they read, and implement them in future works.

first and foremost: ditch this killer gimmick. you simply do not have the chops to seriously write a menace. in its place, lighten Decon to be sort of like Kane during his Anger Management phase with Daniel Bryan. that allows you to keep the door open for a scary turn later, but for now focus on writing morbid humor like this:



this dark humored gimmick doesn't ask readers to take you uber srs and we're more likely to read your future works, and this is relatively easier to do for someone of your ability. perhaps i'm underestimating your technical skill, but since this is what you offered up as a first impression, it's fair to assume.

of course, this is just my suggestion, but the main thing to take away from this is: you will not get over as the Jason Voorhees of PURE. maybe as a wise-cracking Freddy Krueger though.

[Diamond Legend]

Idea for you brotha, since Deacon is a man who isn't outgoing and is used to the same realms, I'd suggest turn him face. Go with a story of Deacon the once feared, to Deacon the most loved....eh? Gives you ton of rp ideas to come up with and an interesting story.

I can see rp's in the beginning of Deacon stepping out and people are frightened, little kids hiding behind their parents, and as it progress's you see Deacon become the talk of the town. The most loved, kids accept candy from Deacon now. It'll just be nice to read his change from the life he lives now, to Deacon in a clup party rocking, get where I'm going....just an idea.

[Maverick]

Character aside, I noticed one thing that you did that really turned me off to your RP. You completely no-sold your opponent. You might as well be facing a jobber with the way you talked about him. Nothing about your opponent seemed to matter to Deacon, and he should matter.

[Deleted]

me personally, no-selling your opponent is fine. there are other ways to put someone over than having your character go out of his way to build the opponent because that's your opponent's job. all you need to do is make yourself look strong and tell us why this match in particular matters - not your opponent but the match itself. what does winning this match do for you? alternatively, if your opponent is someone noteworthy, you can imply what a win over that person does for you to accomplish X, Y and Z.

[blade]

Thanks guys i know it was bad and will take every thing on board what you have said and try to implement it on to my next role play, As i said bad feed back is the best as it strives me to be better next time.

[Deleted]

whenever you have questions and stuff, feel free to message me, blade. that goes for whoever else wants a different opinion too. i'm willing to feedback anyone who asks. it's rare to see an efed with an active feedback section.

[blade]

Yeah will do, I need a lot of help by the sounds of it lol.