The feed cuts to the backstage corridors where we see Chris Madison with his hand on a locker room door. He pushes it open and marches his way in to find Joe Martinez, polishing off the last slice a personal pizza.
Madison: What the hell Joe? We're up next...Joe tosses the box away and shoves the last morsel of crust into his food-stuffed cheek. He barely manages to form entire words as he shrugs.
Joe: What? This is part of my ritual.Baffled by how a man can eat so much and still be competitive, Madison just shakes his head.
Madison: You know what...if it works then whatever. Hopefully you can continue rolling this week. Uh, did I say rolling? I mean powering forward!Joe nods as he dusts off his hands and brushes crumbs off his taped up knuckles.
Joe: Rollin', powerin', punchin', crunchin', whatever ya want. You just make sure you carryin' yer own weight out there. I got enough'a my own to content with.Madison smiles as he points to the corner of his lips. Joe stares at him, not catching onto what Chris was insinuating.
Madison: You've got a little sauce right here.Joe: Oh, thanks...Joe reaches up and wipes the smudge of sauce that had collected at the corner of his mouth with his thumb.
Madison: Trust me, you don't have to worry about me. I'm not even thinking about Crisis. Tonight is about you and me shutting up AJP. She's got a big mouth that is surely making some guy out there very happy. I'm just sick of hearing it!Joe: Yeah well you focus on springin' your trap to shut hers and I'll make sure feeble Bailey feels the burn of me wrenchin' the arm outta his socket. I'll try not to get stingy with the ring time...Madison and Joe walk out of the locker room one behind the other. They stop in the corridor before making their way ringside.
Madison: Ready to do this?Joe: Definitely. I’m two parts pissed, three parts vinegar. All the way ready.Madison: It’s piss.Joe: What?Madison: It’s piss not pissed, and vinegarJoe: Piss’n’Vinegar? Why would someone piss in perfectly good vinegar?The two exchange a glance and Madison rolls his eyes, turning to lead the way back toward the entranceway, but they stop in their tracks as somebody coughs loudly and obnoxiously. Madison glares to his left and our camera pans over to reveal Aubrey J. Parker to a mixed reaction-- though she is soon joined by Anthony Bailey to a delighted pop from the audience.
AJP: Hey, boys. Martinez, I trust you found your Christmas gift in your locker-room when you got to the arena tonight! And MADDDIIIEEEEE... I still have yours, booboo;.a monumental ass-beating straight from the North Pole! High-five me, Bails!To a chuckle from the crowd, Aubrey raised her arm blindly toward Bailey. Bailey shakes his head, refusing to look in Parker's direction, but weakly obliges her high-five.
AJP: We just wanted to give you a quick "good luck." Martinez, after tonight your record's not gonna be looking so great heading into Crisis, and, Madison... and I'll say this in my happy voice... If you continue to run your ugly, misshapen, gametes-smelling mouth, I swear to God I'll have it wired shut, and--Bailey: Okay Aubrey, that's enough. Maybe we should get going...Madison: And what? What is it that you think you can do to me that I haven't been through in my career? I hate to break the news, the wrestling world doesn't beckon to your every calling. Someone needs to knock you off your imaginary throne...believe it or not Aubrey, you're not unbeatable.Madison turned towards Bailey, looked him up and down before laughing.
Madison: And I didn't realize she's got you on a leash! Pathetic...The crowd ooh's and ah's at the insult. Madison turns to Joe and pats him on the chest.
Bailey: Says the guy who played second fiddle to Stefan Raab in APW. All I did was try to get her to leave but if a war is what you want...Bailey moves closer to the face of Madison.
Bailey: Then a war you shall get.Madison: Time to shock the world!Madison smiles in the face of Bailey as the tension grows, neither man backing down. Joe places a hand on Chris's shoulder before Joe and Madison brazenly turn their backs to Aubrey and Bailey, walking off towards the rings entrance.
MAIN EVENT
Aubrey J. Parker & “The Promise” Anthony Bailey VS “Madman” Chris Madison & Joe Martinez
At first, the decision making process behind who starts the match for each time takes far longer than it should. While Madison and Martinez would like nothing more than an opportunity to pull meaty chunks out of Aubrey Parker, the strange bedfellows across the ring both want a piece of the undefeated Martinez for the enormous momentum it'll yield. Aubrey ultimately rationalises that spending the first half of the match on the apron will leave her in better shape for the championship match, so she takes “high road” and clambers out through the ropes to let her boy Bails start the match. In turn, Martinez decides to stay in having knowledge already of the fact he can beat Anthony Bailey. The two clash like colliding atoms, a nuclear reaction from the crowd rising to their feet, cheering and whistling.
Stanton: And here we go! This is the hot preview of the Crisis main event! Anthony Bailey steps into it with Joe Martinez in a rematch of last week's Herculean epic of a battle!Condor: That's funny. I don't remember Hercules ever fighting an overweight construction worker with a beard.Stanton: You obviously haven't seen the director's cut.Joe Martinez swings for one of his trademark dirty uppercuts but Bailey slips to the side and around behind his opponent. With a heave that could surface The Titanic, he throws him overhead with a ship sinking German Suplex. Martinez doesn't know what hit him when his head smacks against the canvas with the force of a winched piano snapping it's strings and smashing against the cold street below. Bailey sensing a possible concussion like a shark smells blood goes straight for an early double leg cover.
Stanton: Early cover by Bailey!Condor: That suplex was horrible!ONE!
TWO!
Kickout!
Stanton: That was a close one! Joe Martinez looks like he doesn't know where e is.Pushed against the ropes, Martinez eats a number of stiff fore-arm shots from Anthony Bailey until he's whipped across the ring and cut down to the root with a stiffer than stiff dropkick to his gawping mouth. Someone in the audience yells “Timber!” as the lumberjack looking Martinez winds up on the floor again nursing a headache that steadily worsens with clarity like drawn out, drunk sex after a night of pigging. Cooking up a based plan, Bailey drags a scrambling Martinez off the ground. Martinez responds by literally taking Bailey off his feet with a three course meal's worth of leaping uppercut that in one blow swings the match straight back round in his favour.
Stanton: SHOURYOUKEN! Beautiful jumpercut by Joe Martinez! Those punches have been so deadly!Condor: Wow! I thought a stiff in a suit like you wouldn't even know what a video game was!Bailey topples to the floor but lands on his feet and palms, looking up at the angry Martinez towering over him. Tasting a weird numbness on his tongue, Bailey's mouth leaks like a bad plumber's handiwork. He scrambles spider-like backwards towards the corner until he looks over shoulder and realises he's heading into the danger zone of Madison's corner, not Aubrey's. Martinez zones in like Pavlov's dog, starved of the violence that he desperately hungers for. It goes without saying Bailey knows he won't get help from Madison, leaving his only option to fight out. He slams on the breaks and lunges forward with a double leg block to the knee cap. Martinez staggers back, barely able to comprehend a response as Bailey springs like a deadly serpent with a flying fore-arm for a bite. He strikes two more times then steps around Martinez to leap for a tag from his partner but Martinez grabs his ankle and drags him back to the center of the ring.
Stanton: It's back and forth, back and forth! This might be the only tag team match I've ever seen to end with no tags. Bailey is a bloody mess, Martinez has a migraine. Who, if anyone will make the decisive tag that'll turn this match around?Condor: Which would be a shame because if Aubrey Parker looks like she's getting the opportunity to main event Crisis with basically a week off? I'm getting up from this desk and smacking her in the thighs with my crutches until she can't walk.Bailey claws the mat trying to meet a nail inspecting Aubrey Parker for the tag but like all good horror film, the monster has him. Martinez drags him kicking and screaming for the unspeakable horror of mounting him and smashing him repeatedly in the face with hammering hands that wish permanently uglify PURE Wrestling's lady fan favourite. One, two, three, four, Bailey is helpless against the assault of a maddened Martinez who pounds away. It's not until Aubrey intervenes with a game ending dropkick to the chest of Martinez that the brutality is stopped and for Bailey the damage may very well be done already. Martinez rolls onto his back, coughing and wheezing as Aubrey returns to her corner before Referee King can get all up in her shit about it.
Stanton: Oh wow! Bailey's gonna' get all swole in the face! He must've ate like ten straight shots to the head!Condor: Vicious delicious! I love it.Stanton: Who'd have thought that Aubrey J. Parker would've had Bailey's back in this?Condor: The same people who thought that Aubrey took far too long to make the save.Aubrey departs for the corner and Bailey follows suite, dragging Martinez with him for the tag. Parker looks visibly offended at Bailey wanting to tag out and heal, giving Martinez a look as if she'd ordered fish filet and been served liquid fecal matter. She reluctantly steps in to do battle and for the five seconds the referee allows, Bailey and Parker put boots to Martinez. Doubling up, Martinez coughs and hacks up something yellow looking onto the mat as his ribs take a severe pounding from his fellow contenders. Aubrey whips Joe out of the corner but Joe spins around and launches Aubrey only to yank her right back into a spinning haymaker that almost trebuchetes her pretty little head into the stands. Her head cracks like an ostrich egg and the whites of her eyes match that of the yolk that would be spilling out if it was one. Joe Martinez dives to tag his way out.
Stanton: Oh my GOD! Aubrey Parker might be knocked out cold!Condor: One punch. One single, solitary punch. That is all it takes from Joe Martinez to have an intergalactic superstar crashing right back down to earth. Beautiful execution!A cock of the walk swag in his nimble step, Chris Madison sails into action with all the bravado of a sauntering rogue on the back of making the biggest score of his life. He would love to take the time and the pride in his work to not build on someone else's foundation in tackling the one chink in his shiny, shiny armour but with 1-0 against him in the metaphorical soccer game with Aubrey Parker United, Madison City will take evening the score by tag team means if necessary. He slaps on a triangle choke, wrenching back as hard as he can to capitalise on the out of it Aubrey. Aubrey jolts out of her dreamy daze like someone just dropped a toaster in her bath tub and immediately starts thrashing and squirming. The self-proclaimed submission deity however won't find any budge in Chris's manly legs.
Stanton: Unbelievable! Textbook Triangle Choke from The Mad Man! Joe Martinez took a beating in that first half but he came back with flourish. Now Madison has to pick up the pieces.Condor: He's like an artillery piece or an anti-aircraft gun. Surround him and take out the personnel and you're good, but all it takes is one good shot for Joe Martinez to completely rip apart your war effort. Madison on the other hand is like the tank armada that rolls in once initial resistance has been sufficiently weakened so he can crush any hope of a return.Stanton: Been playing Company of Heroes again?Condor: Panzer General. I'm old school.Caught dead in the choke, Aubrey J. Parker is stranded in the center of the ring. As her throat begins to dry and her vision begins to blur, Aubrey wriggles around like the worm at the bottom of the tequila bottle that she is and tries to loosen Madison's grip with finesse rather than brute force. Then, like lightning from a clear blue sky a genius idea lands itself right inside the inbox of her soul. With her free hand, she sinks razor sharp hyena nails into the calf of the leg that she'd submitted Madison with hoping that the injury was still there. At first, Chris feels nothing in his steak meat calves but then the claws get in REAL deep. Madison screams his lungs out but holds onto the choke for dear life, hoping Aubrey will pass out before he has to give in.
Condor: That BITCH!Stanton: If we get another FCC violation fine because of you, I swear to God Rebel will come out here and beat you down. It's not the most pleasant counter hold, but it's Aubrey's best defence here!The familiar feeling of blood oozing out of his leg like saliva from an infant's mouth prompts Madison to break the choke hold. No sooner are his legs free of Aubrey's neck, Aubrey flips her body around and applies The S2S Knee Bar on the exact same leg she'd just been ripping into. Agony bleeding out of his wounds. Madison thrashes like beached salmon, slamming tightly clenched fists against the mat to fight the torturous far east submission. He rationalises that he can power his way through this and drags Aubrey with him as he crawls for the ropes, reaching out with desperate hands of a starving beggar for salvation in that bottom rope.
Condor: GOD DAMN IT! YOU ABSOLUTE AMATEUR! MADISON, STOP SCREWING AROUND AND KILL HER!Stanton: From one submission to another, Aubrey J. Parker is right into the S2S! This move has yet to be broken out of and everyone she has applied it to has submitted! Madison desperately needs to find those ropes!Clinging on like algae to a pipeline, Aubrey Parker's big shark game has got this tuna fish where she wants him. Madison is mere inches from the ropes... He gets it! In the nick of time his fingers find the ropes. Parker holds on for the duration of the five count until King starts peeling her away. Heated, she F's and blinds the referee while Madison nurses himself to his feet on the ropes. He gazes across the ring at Martinez and gives him a knowing nod, evident of pre-planning. Martinez drops from the apron and charges at full pelt like a horny bison over to Bailey to yank him off the apron and tackle him to the floor. They crash against the floor with an impact that would make an NFL player feel ill as Madison sizes up Aubrey on the apron. Fire of injustice roaring in the brazier of his soul, she lunges with a shot for Madison's throat. Madison's reflexes kick in, snatching her wrist out of thin air leaving her wide open for a knockout punch that scatters her faculties like a dropped grocery bag.
Stanton: Good night Irene!Condor: YESSSSSSSS! THIS IS IT! AUBREY J. PARKER'S DOWNFALL, HERE AND NOW!Coolly stepping back into the ring, Madison sizes up Aubrey for the finalé. A little bit vexed and a little bit unsure what's happening, she slowly finds herself on the vertical only to turn around into a Peruvian Necktie! It's all gone Pete Tong (wrong). Madison goes to hook the leg over the head but Aubrey allows her body to fall flat on the floor, then twists herself onto her side rendering Madison unable to properly lock in the hold. She kicks her legs around, throwing in some complimentary rib digs until she busts her way out of the choke. Wide open and hurting, Aubrey lunges with a fore-arm that knocks Chris down to the mat and cinches in a beautiful Japanese Kneebar! Chris Madison thrashes and flails but he has nothing left to give.
Condor: PERUVIAN NECK-NO! NO! NONONONONO GOD DAMN IT!Stanton: S2S! The Japanese Kneebar is in effect! Chris Madison managed to find salvation in the ropes last time! Will he get it again?!Madison desperately searches around the ring for any salvation but all he can see is ropes that feel as distant as the opposite side of the universe and Joe Martinez and Anthony Bailey brawling to the death. Realisation sets in. Aubrey Parker has his number. He reluctantly taps out for the second time.
Kelso: Here are your winners BYYY submission, Anthony Bailey and AUUUBREEEEY J. PARKEEEEER!“Nothing Has Been Broken” by Bassnectar hits but Aubrey still holds onto the submission, maximising damage ahead of the show.
Condor: Fuck this! I'm leaving.Stanton: Wait, Chris! Come back! -Ahem. With another sterling victory, Aubrey J. Parker gets her team the win here! The music suddenly cuts off. Our beloved Director Callahan stands atop the entrance ramp, microphone in hand with a look of urgency in his ragged old face.
Callahan: Everybody stop what you're doing right now and look at me! Aubrey, Anthony, congratulations on winning the tag team match tonight but time is of the essence and there is one VERY important caveat that you must all heed before we run out of show time and that is the stipulations that you need to be aware of going into Crisis in two weeks time.Stanton: Oh my God! Here it is! What can it be?! Wait, did he say stipulations, as in plural?Condor: LEGALIZED MURDER MATCH! KILL THAT BITCH!Action in the ring comes to a stand still. All eyes turn towards Director Callahan holding court at the top of the ramp, clinging on his every word. Madison doesn't even try to get a sneaky shot back in for Aubrey's tactics.
Callahan: These past six weeks, Rebel and I have made it perfectly clear that PURE prides itself on the pure athleticism of our performers and that WRESTLING comes first and foremost. However, we are expecting World War III from this match and from the four of you and so without further delay I am proud to announce that the main event of Crisis for the PURE Wrestling Heavyweight Championship WILL BE contested under No Disqualification, Falls Count Anywhere Rules!The crowd marks out. Joe Martinez's big grin suggests he's the only person happy with this news. Aubrey, Madison and Bailey would've much preferred something a bit more standard fare for wrestling but this will do.
Stanton: Oh my! This is going to be brutal! This match could end up anywhere!Condor: It's not Legalized Murder but I'll take it!Callahan: AND-The crowd fall deathly silent. Callahan steps to the side of the entranceway, still staring at the audience.
Callahan: And with those stipulations, there comes a responsibility on the part of PURE to ensure that the match is officiated properly. Sam Roberts, Keiji Watanabe, June Wilson and Steve King have done an absolutely sterling job in the first six weeks but with four referees to four competitors, the dangerous nature of these kind of matches both to competitors and indeed to referees, I have hand picked a special Head Referee for one night only to make sure that this match goes ABSOLUTELY without controversy. There is no man more qualified for this job, there is no man more ideally suited to lead the team for the biggest match in our blossoming history. He is stern, he is steady and he is a straight up badass. Please welcome, the special guest referee for Crisis!Stanton: Who could it be?!“Bitch Better Have My Money” by AMG blasts through the speakers. Nobody recognises it as being attached to anyone, but they rise to their feet to see who it is.
AWWWWWWWWWWWH SHIT.
It ain't nothing like black pussy on my dick!
Word to the motherfucking DJ Quik!
I play hoes like dominos, slapping bones!
AMG's on the motherfucking microphone!
Stepping out the curtain with a smile the length of the Seattle Sound, Rick Moranis gets a standing ovation from the audience and Chris Condor.
Condor: HOLY FUCKING SHIT! IT'S RICK MORANIS!Stanton: Make no mistake about it! After weeks of joking teasers that the Honey I Shrunk The Kids star would appear on PURE TV live and in person, Director Callahan has struck a deal to ensure he will be the special guest referee at Crisis. Holy wow! I can't believe it!Callahan: Rick, do you have any final words to say to the four people in that ring right now?Callahan passes the microphone over to Rick who confidently steps up to the plate. He covers his brow and surveys the sold out 17,000 in front of him losing their mind for the Spaceballs Star. As the crowd chant “Rick Mor-anis!” over and over, a cool smirk spreads across the lips he raises the microphone to.
Rick Moranis: Absolutely nothing at all!Moranis drops the microphone. The crowd marks out again. “Bitch Better Have My Money” plays again as the cameras zone in on the flabbergasted reaction of all four competitors, unable to comprehend what they've just been told.
Stanton: And there you have it! Two announcements that have COMPLETELY changed the complexion of the championship match at Crisis. Ladies and gentlemen, that's about all we have time for. I've been James Stanton with Chris Condor. Join us in two weeks time for the pay-per-view debut of Crisis right here in the Key Arena. We'll see you there!End Show.
