Post by Envi on Dec 1, 2013 18:48:39 GMT -5
i am disappointed every morning that i wake up
nov.27.thirteen6:01am
”...Addison’s Disease…”
Doc Branting’s words were on replay, crawling through my head. I was in a Chicago hotel suite, with tears staining my cheeks and the overwhelming taste of wine behind my tongue. I lost track of time, and I’d taken on the dangerous task of surrounding myself with nobody but myself. I mean… in my defense, the day started out with fairness. A majority of the morning was spent with Talon, and then, of course, I had that fateful meeting with…
”What’s that mean?”
And even now, there were bits and pieces missing. It’d hit me like a bullet. I saw my professional career screeching to a halt. Felt it.
”It’s an autoimmune disorder. As I’d mentioned before, your adrenal glands aren’t producing the appropriate amount of their hormones. In fact… your immune system has completely attacked your adrenal cortex.”
”Okay… but what does that mean?”
I’d spent the latter half of the day with Aurora. I hadn’t discussed the situation with her, which was a rarity I guess. I told her everything, and she did the same-- that’s just our relationship. But today was different. I’d greeted her with hugs, kisses, and a warm smile. I maintained composure throughout the day. I maintained composure as we slid into her favorite bar and knocked back drink after shot after drink after…
”It means you’re sick.”
It had been exactly what I needed to hear. Alternatively, it was the last thing I wanted.
”You’ll need to undergo hormone replacement therapy immediately. It’s unfortunate that we didn’t catch this a month ago, but, we can only look forward. Typically, with the right antibiotics, some rest, and, dare I say it, some optimism, this is something that can be handled. Contained. It’s something that, as far as we know here and now, you’ll have to contend with for life. But if you’re responsible, you’ll be able to lead a normal life without question. We’re gonna start you off with some cortisone injections, and ship you outta my office with all types of beautiful, delicious drugs. Now, since you’re stubborn and you waited like, eight weeks to say something about this, we may be looking at a rough patch ahead…”
I think that's what pushed me.
He’d listed the medications I’d have to take. Every day. For the rest of my life.
He’d told me about an adrenal crisis-- something that was apparently common among athletes with the disease. He’d told me about the dangers, and he’d said it with no emotion behind his eyes, and spoke as if he possessed not one single fuck.
He’d told me, nonchalantly, that I'd go out to that ring every Monday against his wishes, and I’d suffer. He’d told me, with no more than a single glance my way, that I'd kill myself by the end of the year and there was only so much he could do to deter me. He hadn’t said it in spite, but with confidence. And it hurt. I kinda wished Branting wasn’t so charismatic right then. Wished I had one of those ordinary doctors that at least pretended to be concerned.
”So. I’ll be alright?”
”Eventually.”
unspecified.unspecified
”I’ve had a lot of time to think about… about stuff that I don’t think we, as wrestlers, think enough about in this business. I thought about the real reason that we’re all attracted to all this. I thought about what brings us here as performers. And it really comes down to a very childlike, but very vicious emotion. It’s something I don’t know the name for, but I could describe it in a ton of ways; juvenile, maybe savage.
Exclusivity means everything in this business. As a kid, it’s something that you wouldn’t lose sleep killing for, you know? In every fucking culture, there’s some club or some clique that we want to be a part of, but we’re just denied, or we… we don’t qualify, or some bullshit, right? And it’s really the same thing in wrestling! There are cliques. There are clubs. There are countercultures. There’s bullshit. But no matter what, we’re all fighting for exclusivity,
In my case, exclusivity is the PURE Wrestling Heavyweight Championship, and you’re damned right I’d kill for it. Just like a child, with all the eagerness… all the hunger… but none of the innocence.
Xian, I want to become a part of a club of ONE. You’ve tried to deter me once before, but NAY shall you accomplish such a feat, my friend. No… no… I think we need to get something straight fairly quickly before things get too confused, mkay? You are Xianlong. But I-- I am Aubrey J. Parker. I’m the future of not only PURE, but the wrestling industry as a whole. I’m the revolution, and you’re another pawn on the board, SIR. You’re a hell of an obstacle, and I’ve watched you with great interest, baby. I’ve looked at your Triangle Choke and literally, like-- shook. I’ve never had to see it up close but I’ve seen how relentless you are in the ring when you want something, but you’ve seen exactly what I’ve seen over the past couple of weeks.
You’ve slipped farther and farther from whatever that something is.
And, speaking of what it is you WANT, Xian, is it something I should be concerned about? Do you want the same thing I want? Because, ha, THAT might be an issue. If you thought that you were gonna be the face of PURE Wrestling then, at the risk of bursting your bubble, shop for another dream. You’re stepping into a dark, dark world, aaaand the fucked up thing is, YOU KNOW IT! You know what I’m capable of. Of this, I’m sure! Babe, I’ll rip your leg right off its bone. I’ll leave you broken and humiliated and… and you’ve got a great deal of discipline and everything. You’re patient, so I’m confident that after you fall this week and your losing streak increases by another week, you’re gonna keep your eye on that prize. You may be broken up physically, but spiritually, you’re unstoppable, Xian! So there’s your silver lining! We all walk away as winners here, huh?
And hey-- you have the satisfaction of knowing your own limitations this week. Last week, and the week before that, you could pass the blame off on someone else, but this week, it’s just you in that ring. For the first time in PURE Wrestling history, it’s gonna be you, exposed in that ring, in front of alllll those people… you’re gonna tap out… in front of everybody… and maybe it won’t affect you too much since you’re soooo humbled and mature, but it’ll make everybody you face from this moment forward familiar with the fact that you’re far, far, faaaarrr from spectacular. The whole roster? They’ll get more confident, thinking, or maybe knowing that you’re beneath them, and every match you’re in is gonna be harder because of it.
Then after your inevitable downward spiral, you’ll get better, and you’ll thank me, Xian. By destroying you out there on Monday, I’m making you exponentially BETTER! You’ll slowly climb up that hill toward superstardom and you’re not gonna thank Jade Wallace, but Aubrey J. Parker. Jade can teach you how to carry yourself like a star, but she can’t teach you what a high-profile loss feels like. The girl can’t teach you real pain or real disappointment. She won’t. That’s my job this Monday night, and I’m gonna do it to the best of my ability, and ninety-nine times out of a hundred, that means mission accomplished.
I’m not downplaying your particular set of skills. I’m not doubting your ability to match me in combat. Buuut I am doubting your ability to close the deal, because aside from a victory over a decidedly lesser opponent during week one, your main problem lies in finishing what you started! We saw it in the five-way, and we saw it in your tag match. You start out SO WELL… then you just flounder at the end, and I don’t know if that can be attributed to a lack of stamina, or inexperience, or what, but it doesn’t bode well for you, whatever it is.
I’m not planning on easing up halfway through the match, no matter which direction it’s heading in. I don’t plan on giving you a break or a breather… I just plan on winning by any means necessary, and judging by how you compete, I know that I have to hurt you-- truly hurt you-- if I’m gonna do it. When that happens, you won’t be able to call my stamina or my determination into question, but you’ll learn that you just weren’t able to keep up.
…
What’s she teaching you anyway? Jade, I mean.
Is she teaching you how to be a star? How about how to preserve your longevity in this business? I’m just dying to find out because I don’t know a single thing about her, and if she’s gonna be some kind of factor in this match, then I’m GOING to find out the why, when, and how. If there’s a demon that your friend has, no matter how suppressed, then I’ll pull it to the forefront if it helps me. I will.
Aside from that, she’s useless to me. Silent. Blank. Invisible, unless I need her to be anything other than that.
You’re the one that matters, Xianlong. You’re the next bridge to exclusivity. Ha, if I can’t beat you, then who the hell am I to think that I stand a chance against Madison and two other people at Crisis, ya know? God, I’d just… I’d just be another lost soul on the roster, trying to figure out her purpose around here, kinda like you, huh? That-- agh, it just doesn’t sound appealing to me. I enjoy knowing who I am. I enjoy knowing that I’m the best. The only thing that could convince me otherwise is losing to somebody like you… somebody that I’m not only expected to, but poised to run over.
...it means a lot that I win the PURE Wrestling Heavyweight Championship. I always wanted to be the first face of PURE, but more specifically, I wanted to be the first champion. I wanted to be the first one to hold the gold. But now? Now I want more than that.
I see how stuff my competition is getting and I want more than to just be the first champ. I want to be the only one. Ever. I want to be the be-all, end-all of the whole entire game. And I-- I lose sleep over it. I stay up until the wee hours of the morning, lying there next to my husband-to-be, just staring into the dark and thinking about being the first, the only, the LAST champion. I wanna be PURE Wrestling.
Goddamnit, I’ll be BIGGER than WRESTLING.
Bigger.
And I’ll be damned if you, of all people, ruin that! Compared to them, you’re on the brink of excellence, but compared to ME, you may as well be nothing! You’re… nothing…
Just a guy who doesn’t seem to know how, exactly, to achieve whatever the hell it is that he wants, and I don’t have time to watch you trek along on your path of self-discovery. So when you’re lying there on the mat, and your leg is leg is being twisted… your knee is broken… then you think about it, Xian. You think about what you’re doing here, and what you’re willing to do to me to stay here.
And you think looong and hard about being a part of that exclusive, one-member club called the PURE Wrestling Heavyweight Championship. I want you to set that goal. And I want you to know what disappointment sincerely feels like. Cuz after that, baby, you’ll be better, and when these people look back and they’re like ‘WHEN did Xianlong become a star’? Then… well… then I can take some of the credit for that, right?
So smile. Take a deep breath. This is a big night for you. But for me, this is all very familiar. It’s about getting back to the top, and keeping a bird’s eye view on all of you from the peak.
It’s about becoming the pinnacle of this sport.
By any means necessary.”
my health is failing me
dec.1.thirteen5:57pm
”You haven’t even told him yet, have you?”
”Cassandra, I’ve--”
”Answer the question.”
It was just Cassandra and I. We were standing in the kitchen area of the Seattle hotel suite. It had become something of a routine for me. Even though it was for work, these two-day trips to Seattle had become something of a getaway. I felt that I could get away with answering less questions when work was involved, I guess… I could put up this guard without being questioned. I could just say “I need to focus” or “I’m getting too stressed out” and they gave me all the space I needed. It wasn’t a tangible luxury back at home with everything going on.
But here we were, standing here in this blue, dull lighting as pure gloom poured in through the open windows, and I could tell by her tone that she wasn’t going to ease off. My hands were resting on the counter, but I had nothing to distract me from her questions. Talon had run off to get food-- there was no easy “out” in sight.
”No. I didn’t tell Talon.”
”Oh my GOD. Sooo-- what-- you’re gonna wait for him to find out when all these people find out? He’s your fiancé!”
”I’m gonna tell him.”
”Bullshit. You didn’t even tell ME until last night. Over a TEXT MESSAGE for Christ’s sake.”
”Ha, yeah, Cass, because it’s totes my favorite subject.”
”It’s serious!”
”It’s under control. JFK had Addison’s Disease. I looked it up, and-- and he had to take meds and stuff, but he was FINE, ya know? He lived a perfectly healthy life with it. Sure, they shot him in the head, but--”
”John F. Kennedy wasn’t a professional wrestler. He didn’t have the same risks you have, Aubs. And… I’m willing to bet that you’re gonna go ahead and fight Xianlong, pretending that everything’s okay, yeah?”
”I think it’d be more dangerous not to.”
I sighed and turned, moving away from Cassandra to flip on the lightswitch, flooding the room with some color.
”Look, by the time this video gets out, everyone’s gonna know anyway, alright? I’m not gonna draw more attention to it than necessary. I’m not gonna be that person that makes excuses, and I’m certainly not gonna let those bastards turn me into a victim.”
”There are no more fall-guys this week. You don’t have Ash, or Jair, or four other people in the ring to distract him. It’s you and Xianlong, and you haven’t been tested like this since you’ve gotten sick. You haven’t. This is different than any match you’ve competed in for this company.”
”I know.”
”It’s not safe.”
”I know.”
”Then… why?”
I hadn’t answered. I’d made my way to the sink. I can’t remember-- I think I washed my hands.... didn’t need to. It was just an action. Something to show that I wasn’t a fan of the conversation.
”Aubrey, all due respect to Mike, you don’t need to do any of this right now. You don’t need PURE. You can take a month or two-- you can rest… just like we planned before he got you to sign that contract. You and Talon can focus on planning your wedding. You can stop pushing him away.”
Maybe she didn’t mean for those last words to sting. Maybe she did. I was silent for a few seconds and then cast her a very quick glance.
”I’m gonna take a shower.”
”We’re talking about this when Talon's back.”
And for a few seconds, frozen in time, the two of us just stood there. She looked at me. I looked past her, toward the counter for a few seconds, before I pivoted and I walked out of the kitchen. If it’d been appropriate, I’d have run.
and the pills… they will not… will not let me go…
dec.1.thirteen6:14pm
The water was scalding, but I just stood there with my head against the tile, fingers pressed against the cool wall of the shower. I gazed down past my bare legs and feet, which were growing red with each splash of water, and each boiling bead that smashed against my flesh.
I deserved it. I’d told myself that I deserved it as I looked down at the Action Packed Wrestling Undisputed Championship. It was soaked in the scalding water as my toes were. Like me, it didn’t protest.
”What do I do…?”
I coughed. Once. Twice. I lost count. It became a coughing fit, and my chest burned. My throat howled. I wanted to scream, but couldn’t-- only a wheeze came out. I fell back against the tile and slid down, slowly to my knees, directly under the stream. I allowed the water to wash down over my head, through my hair, down my shoulders, but I didn’t fight. I didn’t try to scream again, but after seconds, I allowed my fingers to sink down, sliding over the gold face of that championship.
”How do I get back…?”
I felt the tears stinging my eyes, burning them, threatening to roll down my cheeks, but they never came. On pure instinct, I’d managed to fight them back.
”It’s not enough… just help…”
I picked it up and hugged it to my chest.
”Help…”
It had no answers for me, but I cradled it anyway. That belt had ruined my fucking life, but as I held onto it, and I felt no pain in spite of the heat. None.
fin.
