Post by pete on Nov 22, 2013 10:05:47 GMT -5
'JOHN JACOB JINGLEHEIMER SCHMIDT
HIS NAME IS MY NAME TOO
WHENEVER WE GO OUT
THE PEOPLE ALWAYS SHOUT
THERE GOES JOHN JACOB JINGLEHEIMER SCHMIDT
LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LAAAA!'
HIS NAME IS MY NAME TOO
WHENEVER WE GO OUT
THE PEOPLE ALWAYS SHOUT
THERE GOES JOHN JACOB JINGLEHEIMER SCHMIDT
LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LAAAA!'
The circle of children at the centre of the playground inexorably closes in on its epicentre, a sandy-blond boy with his hands over his ears and his eyes shut tight. As his classmates close in on him, he softly whimpers:
Boy: Stop it...stop it...!
His pleas, however, only make the singing get louder (as is wont to happen with children), so he grits his teeth. crouching and almost curling into a ball to try and make the sound go away. When this proves ineffectual as well, he finally snaps:
Boy: STOP IT!
He springs to his feet, lashing out wildly, his tiny fists flying left and right. He fails, however, to hit any of the children, most of which easily step back and out of his reach, giggling.
All but one.
A small, sleepy-eyed boy, smaller than the fair-haired boy himself, is not as quick getting out of range, and his bullied classmate focuses in on him as a target. The sandy-blond boy points at his smaller counterpart menacingly, his eyes bulging out, then rips his shirt open with a roar that makes most of his classmates start. None more so than the slow-moving boy, who freezes in place as the bullied-cum-bully takes two measured steps forward, each accompanied by a punch. It is not until the fair boy draws his hand back dramatically to set up the third punch that his target reacts, ducking and kicking him in the shins.
A moment later, both boys are crying - the one with blond hair clutching his leg in pain - and a girl is running to warn a teacher. The fair-haired boy has only just recovered, and lunged at his counterpart, when he is stopped by a firm hand and even firmer voice:
Teacher: JOHN JACOB JINGLEHEIMER SCHMIDT! WHAT is going on here?
By the teacher's side, the tattletale girl points:
Girl: See, Miss Roberts? I TOLD you Johnny was beating up David!
Miss Roberts gives John, the victim turned assailant, a stern look, and he tries to explain:
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt: They were singin' that song, Miz Roberts!
Miss Roberts frowns: Johnny, you can't expect your classmates not to sing during recess, if they want to!
John counters: But they were only doin' it 'cause they know I hate it!
Miss Roberts: I don't want to hear another word, John Jacob. That is no reason to hit somebody, especially when they're smaller than you!
John Jacob groans. He knows what will happen now. Miss Roberts will take him to her office and call Mummy and Daddy, and then Daddy will give him that look and use that big word that means 'not happy', and Mummy will cry and say he'll end up in jail and ask what she's done to have a son that gets into so much trouble. And then he'll be forbidden to watch TV, play Nintendo, or have dessert.
That would be bad enough, but what does end up happening is much worse: he's sent to see Dr. Wolf. Only the really bad kids - the bullies and the weirdoes and the kids who don't go to class, and that sixth-grader who writes on the wall and steals from the shop in front of the school - ever go to see him! When Mrs. Roberts tells him this, John Jacob is paralysed with fear, his mind reeling with images of his Mum and Dad not wanting him for a son anymore. Then he remembers Jeremy had been trying to convince Aunt Sally to sell little Ricky, and his heart sinks. What if Mummy and Daddy decide they want Ricky as their son instead of him?
This gives John resolve, and he kicks and thrashes and yells his lungs out. This, however, has the sole effect of landing him in Dr. Wolf's office even faster, and before he knows it he is sitting across from the doctor and being looked at over spectacles.
Dr. Wolf leans forward: John, why did you hit your classmate?
John Jacob: They were makin' fun of me! They were singing that song! I hate that song!
Dr. Wolf: Yes, but why punch him like that? Why not just talk to him?
John Jacob: 'Cause that's what Hulk Hogan does. When the bad guys want to hurt him and take his belt, he punches them, drops the leg and wins!
John Jacob would have thought this to be self-evident. Then, he remembers Dr. Wolf[/b] is a grown-up, and grown-ups don't watch WWF Superstars, so he explains:
John Jacob: On WWF...on Saturday mornings...the wrestling show!
The doctor, however, is no longer listening, merely taking notes. Then, he turns back to John and, surprisingly, treats him like an equal:
Dr. Wolf, very seriously: John, are you sorry?
John Jacob thinks about this. David isn't one of the worst kids in class; in fact, he is one of the few Johnny gets along with, and who doesn't sing the stupid song whenever they see him. He might not even have been singing it this time. Johnny realises he genuinely is sorry, and nods to tell the doctor as much. Dr. Wolf smiles:
Dr. Wolf: OK then. I know you're not a bad little man. As long as you're sorry, I'll forget you were here. And so will Miss Roberts. Okay?
John nods, but the doctor has a few more words of advice:
Dr. Wolf: And Johnny...stay out of trouble next time, all right? If they start singing...sing louder than them. Choose a song they don't like and just yell it out.
John considers this as he leaves the doctor's office, and figures it is actually not a bad idea. Still, he thinks as he begins to head back to the classroom, he wished he actually was Hulk Hogan. His life would probably be much easier.
